Forget the Outside, Look Within

For three years I have struggled with my health...and the struggle is real. The only problem...it is still not certain why I'm so sick. I had my gallbladder removed, but that didn't help. It actually seemed to make things worse. Then came the diagnosis of Chrons Disease. I've had some relief with medications but not enough to function. Last week they named it fibromyalgia. Whatever it is the pain is real, vomiting, fatigue among other things.
One of the worst parts of any of these illnesses is the fact that I look normal. How can someone who looks normal be so sick?
I've flat out not been believed, and recently been told I've thrown myself pity parties, that I don't fight hard enough and that I should push myself more.
1) it's not a pity party...it's my life right now..its the present and I'm doing the best I can to survive.
2) not fighting? For three years I have seen 10+ doctors. I have changed my diet, my lifestyle, undergone 4 colonoscopies, given more blood and other samples than any one person should give.
3) push myself more...this one makes me angriest. I plan out my meals depending on what I have to do for the day and the day following. I choose to stay home so hopefully I can go to work the next day. I don't make plans with friends because I don't want to stand them up, nor do I want to wear myself out and not be able to do what I need to the next day.
You can line up 10 people with the same disease and each one will handle and feel differently than the one next to them. So please don't compare...there is and never will be any comparison.
Am I fortunate that it's not worse. Yes! However these are my cards that I have been dealt and to me it sucks. This is my life and I'm fighting for it. Why? Because I want to live life and I want to be a part of the human race. I want to help others and be a shining light for others. But none of this can happen till I get better or at least gain control of my body.
It's a fight some days to get ready for work..but I push through. It's a fight some days to do the things I need to knowing the things I want to do will have to wait.
I don't want your pity...never. All I want is for you to understand I'm doing the best I can. I'm sorry if my best doesn't seem like enough or that you feel you could do it better. Because please, if you can or you have the cure to make it all go away, I'm all ears.
But until then know this, without the support of my family and friends...giving up might have been easier. But I don't want to give up...I want to fight because I don't want to hurt physically the way I do.
Most importantly...My Heavenly Father. He has placed me right where I am on purpose because He has tremendous faith in me. And I have tremendous faith in Him. He has carried, dragged and walked beside me through all of this. And because of that my faith has grown leaps and bounds...that's pretty cool. Jeremiah 29:11 says: "For I know the plans I have for you", says the Lord, "plans to prosper and other to harm but to give me HOPE and a FUTURE. So even if things are rough right now... God promises me a bright future full of hope! He's not let me down yet and I don't expect Him to ever. As long as I remain faithful and have my eyes and ears open to His guidance. No matter what happenes I will come up on top of the mountain with my biggest fan and cheerleader and once I'm there...I will clearly see what all this was for.