Goodbye 2016...I've Learned So Much!

Well, here it is...the good, the bad and the ugly of 2016.

The year started off rocky but for the most part good. In January I moved into my own place. I had let go of the past year, left my boyfriend who not only was an alcoholic but was involved in drugs too. I felt I had prayed and tried as much as I could to get him sober. But the heart is a crazy thing as love is too. He quickly came back into my life and I struggled from that moment on. He had a good heart...I saw that. He was a decent human being, sober. Looking back, I was a babysitter a mother...cleaning up messes and living in a world of anxiety. But I felt if I continued to pray it out of him and coach him in to a normal life, believing all his lies and manipulation .... He would see all this and change for the better. After he had a full on seizure, which stopped my heart...I thought had seen the light. July 3rd, my life changed. His body had enough...he'd lost his mind. While asking me for his keys, which he asked me to hide, I non-chalantly said I didn't know. I had no idea what would come next. I found myself with my back on my couch and his hands around my neck. I couldn't breathe and his fingers then went in my nose, ears and mouth. I thought to myself. ..I may die but at least he hadn't struck me. And then...he did. I have no idea why he stopped or how long it lasted. I never thought to call out to God as I was fighting for my life. What's amazing...God heard me regardless! He released Rich's hands and I survived!

The days after were a blur. He was in jail and I was already seeking help from CASA. I was able to move about a month later...back to my family to a place I will forever call home.

I ended up in a beautiful apartment, I am safe and I am surrounded by loving family and friends. I am reminded daily how incredibly lucky I am.

My health...well, Im fighting. Another diagnosis of fibromyalgia due to the trauma in July. But by being back home I have the most incredible doctors who along with me are fighting. I'm ending the year just having the flu and a cold and to be quite honest I have been very angry these last few days.

But here's the good...no great part. I am closer to my heavenly Father than I have ever been. When a mother gives birth to her child she never remembers the pain. This is true when dealing with any pain. I can remember being sick, in excruciating pain...but I don't remember the actual pain...so I don't anticipate it. I remember being attacked, scared even but more than anything I remember the support of family and friends and Gods presence. Pain, whether physical or emotional is only temporary...I don't focus or think of these things. I focus on what God is teaching me and that through my experiences and leaning on God is what truly got me through. I don't always understand or get the answers I want...but when its over...the light of God is so bright!

When I lay my head down on my soft pillow in my princess and the pea bed...I can find so many things to thank God for which I know helps me keep perspective and keeps me grounded. Its not a lie that when the phrase "God is good all the time and all the time God is good" is said. Because He is! He has my best interest at heart and He is the Master of the plan for my life.

So, yes 2016 has been one of the hardest years of my life. 2017 may be as well....but Im ready and I know that His light will always shine bright so I will know He is always there!

Bring it on 2017...bring it on fabulous 40!

Forget the Outside, Look Within

For three years I have struggled with my health...and the struggle is real. The only problem...it is still not certain why I'm so sick. I had my gallbladder removed, but that didn't help. It actually seemed to make things worse. Then came the diagnosis of Chrons Disease. I've had some relief with medications but not enough to function. Last week they named it fibromyalgia. Whatever it is the pain is real, vomiting, fatigue among other things.
One of the worst parts of any of these illnesses is the fact that I look normal. How can someone who looks normal be so sick?
I've flat out not been believed, and recently been told I've thrown myself pity parties, that I don't fight hard enough and that I should push myself more.
1) it's not a pity party...it's my life right now..its the present and I'm doing the best I can to survive.
2) not fighting? For three years I have seen 10+ doctors. I have changed my diet, my lifestyle, undergone 4 colonoscopies, given more blood and other samples than any one person should give.
3) push myself more...this one makes me angriest. I plan out my meals depending on what I have to do for the day and the day following. I choose to stay home so hopefully I can go to work the next day. I don't make plans with friends because I don't want to stand them up, nor do I want to wear myself out and not be able to do what I need to the next day.
You can line up 10 people with the same disease and each one will handle and feel differently than the one next to them. So please don't compare...there is and never will be any comparison.
Am I fortunate that it's not worse. Yes! However these are my cards that I have been dealt and to me it sucks. This is my life and I'm fighting for it. Why? Because I want to live life and I want to be a part of the human race. I want to help others and be a shining light for others. But none of this can happen till I get better or at least gain control of my body.
It's a fight some days to get ready for work..but I push through. It's a fight some days to do the things I need to knowing the things I want to do will have to wait.
I don't want your pity...never. All I want is for you to understand I'm doing the best I can. I'm sorry if my best doesn't seem like enough or that you feel you could do it better. Because please, if you can or you have the cure to make it all go away, I'm all ears.
But until then know this, without the support of my family and friends...giving up might have been easier. But I don't want to give up...I want to fight because I don't want to hurt physically the way I do.
Most importantly...My Heavenly Father. He has placed me right where I am on purpose because He has tremendous faith in me. And I have tremendous faith in Him. He has carried, dragged and walked beside me through all of this. And because of that my faith has grown leaps and bounds...that's pretty cool. Jeremiah 29:11 says: "For I know the plans I have for you", says the Lord, "plans to prosper and other to harm but to give me HOPE and a FUTURE. So even if things are rough right now... God promises me a bright future full of hope! He's not let me down yet and I don't expect Him to ever. As long as I remain faithful and have my eyes and ears open to His guidance. No matter what happenes I will come up on top of the mountain with my biggest fan and cheerleader and once I'm there...I will clearly see what all this was for.

Being a Step-mom, Heartbreak and Faith in God

In 2003 I married a man with three beautiful daughters ages 2, 3 and 5 at the time. Within a year I was mommy. Around Thanksgiving 2004 I leaned down to hug my oldest good night and say I love you to which her response was "I love you too Mommy." With the other two being younger, naturally they followed their sisters responses to me. I believe that night was the best moment of my life. I was fine being mommy Kate and would never have asked for more....but unable to have my own children this was absolute music to my ears and my heart swelled for my girls even more. I was a mommy!
It is very hard being a non-biological parent in dealing with the biological father and other immediate relatives. Soon my marriage began to faulter and I became to my ex-husband nothing more than a caregiver and was to keep my parental thoughts to myself. But even still I was the girls momma and I felt that relationship with them. As the years went on the turmoil between he and I effected my relationship with the girls. After all he is their biological parent and I was never allowed to adopt the girls for one reason or another. I finally decided paper meant nothing and they were my girls always and forever.
Their father and I divorced in 2014 about 12 years after I became a part of the girls lives. Now they are 15, 16 and 19 and none of them speak to me. I can't say I was a perfect parent or that I did everything right the first, second or third times....but I believe there is far more good to remember than bad. I know being a teenager is hard and to have a second mother leave must be incredibly confusing. My faith in a God tells me that one day my girls (who are still my girls right now) will be able to open their hearts and see who I really was and am today. I can tell you it hurts deeper than any hurt I've ever felt. I could list all we did... But I'll just say I was there for too many firsts and I put all I had into enhancing their lives. Again, I was not perfect.
But what really hurts.... Is the mentality that having someone to love your biological daughter, granddaughter, niece.... Is not ok. Honestly the more people to love these precious girls I feel the better. How does that hurt them. I've never spoken ill of their father or other family members as that serves only a purpose to hurt and not enrich. I am not a bad person and I wish no harm on anyone. That will never change.
But the question arises, why? Why won't they talk to me? I miss them so much and I ache to hear their voices and about their days. I want to put the blame on someone other than them and I'm probably correct in that thought.
Having said that, why would a father allow a woman to raise his children and then cut her off? I honestly never thought he'd do that. I've always thought more highly of him than that. Only God knows.
And by God only knowing, I rest all my faith, trust and hurt in Him. For He has great plans for me and for my girls. I must rest in the peace that passes all understanding knowing my babies are and always will be babies, no matter what. I will allow God to lead and know His will, His plan is all we have.
I pray K, B and H will find life exhilarating and full of love. That they will know Christ in the deepest way a girl becoming a woman can know. I pray that God will work within them to see what is right and wrong in this world...not for my benefit but for their own.
I do wonder if I'll get to be the momma of the bride, hold my first grand baby ....just to share these joyful moments in their life...just to see them happy and growing. That is all I want, that is all I've ever wanted. I may not have been great in showing it at times but all I want is the best for them.
So, remember, when the new wife comes along or girlfriend, grandparent...whomever....look at it as a chance to have more people to love your children for there is no such thing as too much love.

Crohns Disease, The Truth

Lately I've become bitter to the fact that Crohns is not looked at like many other diseases. I understand it's not as talked about as other illnesses, therefore many do not get how it truly effects those who have it.
First let me describe what any given day can be like. Please understand I am not discounting other diseases but I feel this is the best way for others to relate and understand.
On any given day:
It feels like I have had Chemotherapy, yet I was not given an appointment and am not prepared to be nauseated and throwing up.
Maybe today I might have fibromyalgia, my entire body hurts.
Or MS, which body part is actually gonna work?
Vertigo, from anti-nausea medication
Excruciating pain, like labor pains or having kidney stones...up to 6 or 7 times a day.
And of course, chronic fatigue syndrome....all of the above can wear a girl out!

I know intentions of trying to help are heartfelt and comes from goodness, but please don't tell me if I just ate right and exercised that I would feel better. And don't tell me that the reason I'm so sick is just because of what I eat. I've had tests...too many, invasive and more than you'd want...trust me, it's not what I eat. Yes, I am continuing to make steps towards better eating, seeing a nutritionist to help. But it's very discouraging that while eating exactly what I know my stomach handles and still it doesn't even stay long enough to give me any nutrients or energy...then fatigue sets in again. Trust me if I could trust my body to go for a walk I would, but most walks do not include bathrooms at the exact time I need them and I won't go into the humiliation of  possibilities when a bathroom is scarce.

Don't get me started on not being able to eat salad or other veggies.....miss them so much. If cooked to mush or puréed, then I can eat them.

I am now working on my second treatment...the first quit working. If a treatment works, remission is possible, but only for a while. Symptoms will come back and it will start all over. This is life long, there is no cure.

I AM lucky, I count my blessings.... I still have my colon, I don't have a bag...many others aren't. I feel I have the discipline to continue to be proactive, eat right and do all I can to not get to that point. But I feel it may be inevitable. But that's Gods plan.

Lastly, I ask, if you don't understand, ask or research, don't assume! But also, if you have the choice to vote to legalize cannabis (oil in pill form) please do it. Research shows major, huge relief and remission for those who suffer with this way worse than I do. People who had feeding tubes and couldn't walk, now eat and walk. Seems like this is the miracle medication. We don't want the high, we want to be better.

So, this is my explanation of how Crohns effects my life. It's not easy, but the worst part is others not knowing enough about how we suffer. It's a silent disease, we look fine on the outside but our insides tell a completely different story.

 

Where this all began...

So here it is, 
From the time I began to wear a bra, one of a young lady's rite of passage, I hated it from the start. They were always too loose and my breasts felt droopy, in other words boobs were the last thing I wanted and why would I want this ordeal to be a rite of passage. Isn't having a period enough? I've always been well-endowed and into my early thirties (I'm 38 now) I wanted a reduction. I tried sports bras, regular bras with a sports bra over it, three sports bras and the one I liked best, no bra.
I went to work for a women's retail store that offered bra sizing. Having been fitted before with no success I thought I could change women's boob filled miserable lives. Though, most women were content with the sagging, horrible cleavage (too much and lack of). Even I could not get the sizing right for them. I then began to believe the statistic on how many women do not wear the correct size bra. I think like 80%+ of the population. 
But, it is not our fault! For some reason someone convinced a woman that the measurements hold true. We have all been misguided! The measuring you receive, whether it be by a department store or specialty store is completely wrong.
Rest easy though, I'm going to give you the inside information. Go ahead and get sized or look at the size of the bra you are wearing. From there go down one  band size, if you are a 38 go down to a 36. Cup size, if you are a DD then go to a D. One exception to the cup size is, if you go down a size and you have spillage over the cup, either choose another style or stay to the original size. Spillage is ALWAYS unacceptable. The point is to tighten your bra so you get more support but don't cut off your circulation. (I like mine very tight, but I've done it for years and it's comfy to me.) Straps... As tight as you can stand it but not digging in your shoulder...it's all about comfort but for stability of the girls too! Finally, does your new bra divide and conquer? You'll know by looking down or in the mirror and all you want to do is grab your breasts in pride. Yes, ladies it is about comfort but the comfort in knowing your not bouncing or sagging will be much more rewarding in the end.
Lastly, ladies underwire is an absolute must if you are a "C" or larger. PERIOD! I know the pretty bra is much more appealing and sexy but honestly... Having the girls headed towards your knees is far less appealing! 
Most importantly, LOVE what God gave you! He makes no mistakes, he has purpose in everything about our bodies! Embrace it! Take care of yourself and love what you look like! We are all beautiful, all of us in every possible way!

This blog is not solely based on "how to wear a bra" but the idea for it began with that thought in mind. There are many things a woman deals with from incorrect bra size, dealing with teenage daughters, marriage, divorce and her faith in God.
My experiences are all I have to offer usually with added humor to soften the blow or how I had to let it all go and let God. I hope in reading this blog women will find themselves nodding along in agreement, smiling or just gain the knowledge that y'all aren't alone! Welcome and please come back!